Chapter 1 Dark... Cramped... Damp... Alone... Panic...Clawing...Fingernails
chipped, broken, and ripped away... Silence,
except for the frantic beating of my heart and my harsh gasps for air... Hand,
throbbing... Ankle,
on fire... A
harsh sob from a throat already sore and torn... Ancestors,
get me out of here! “’Fei, you all right?” I opened my eyes, the dream still holding me in
its tight grasp. I could feel my mind
beginning to crumble and break, but I hardened it. Now was not the time to become a weak,
blubbering fool. Not when there was a
mission to complete. “Fine, Maxwell,” I snapped instead, taking the
hostilities I felt towards myself and my weakness out on the nearest available
target. Unfortunately, he didn’t deserve
it, nor did he have a clue as to why I was treating him so harshly. Nor would he ever know. Not if I had any say in the matter. A hurt silence followed. I sighed inwardly. It just wasn’t fair to force my perpetually
bad mood on Maxwell. He had done nothing
to deserve it except— I shut those thoughts down fast before they
threatened to undo me. Closing my eyes
briefly, I struggled to find my center, but it eluded me. I was such an emotional wreck lately. So much so that a mere dream was enough to
shake me to the core. Even that dream. Before, I wouldn’t have bothered to bat an
eyelash at it. “Go back to sleep,
Maxwell. We will have to move quickly
tomorrow, and I won’t have you holding us back.” I could hear his grin in his voice. “I wouldn’t dream of it, ‘Fei. See you in a few hours.” And just like that, he was asleep again,
softly snoring. He had no idea how I
envied him. I could barely manage an
hour or two without those damn pills, which, of course, I was too stubborn to
take. Waiting a little while to make sure Maxwell was
really asleep, I crawled out of bed, pulling on my gloves and heading for the
balcony without turning any lights on. Didn’t need to let anyone know of my late night star gazing. The stars seemed to give peace to my inner
turmoil as little else did these days.
Not since...but I’d come out here not to think about that, and so I
wouldn’t. You might be wondering what I was doing on a
mission with Maxwell of all people.
Well, it certainly hadn’t been my choice. My choice would have been to go it alone, of
course. Une, knowing my preferences,
normally let me do as I pleased. But
she’d put her foot down this time. It
was Maxwell’s mission, she claimed, and I was just going to make sure that
everything went smoothly. Or that’s what
she told Maxwell. In reality, I had a
little side trip to take. A select three
individuals had earned themselves a trip to hell on the edge of my blade. And I was the perfect one to do it. Cold, emotionless Chang on
his endless quest for justice. If that’s what they still thought of me, they
were sadly mistaken. Justice was the
furthest thing from my mind. As was peace.
Peace. Ha! Whoever thought this was peace was not only a
fool but a blind fool. Peace was a snow globe
just waiting for the Preventers to drop the ball. That’s all it would take to make it
shatter. One moment of
inattention. And the politicians,
the old fools, didn’t understand that, always cutting our funding and blocking
our every attempt to do more. I’d heard
it all from Une. She saw no reason to
keep anything from me anymore. What was
the point? I’d proven my loyalty a
thousand, no a million, times over. I
was probably the only one in the Preventers equal to her in information. She let me do as I pleased. I thought it a fair exchange for the suicidal
missions I went on. None more suicidal
then— But I wasn’t going to think about that. Instead, I watched the sky, letting myself
empty. Or maybe
walling everything off. I didn’t
really know, nor did I particularly care.
All I knew was that it gave me some form of peace. Before I knew it, the stars were gone. Dawn was turning the sky pale pink, yellow,
and orange. And though I wanted to lie
there and enjoy it, duty called. And what a pushy bastard it was. Stiff from lying on the cold floor of the balcony
for hours, I rose and stretched out, going through a few of my simpler forms to
smooth my movements out and warm up my muscles.
I made sure to keep it simple and relaxed. I couldn’t do the harder, more taxing ones
anymore. Not before a mission I needed
my mobility on. Time to wake Maxwell. I dreaded it.
I would have left him behind if I were in charge of this mission. But I had to follow procedure. At least until the whole thing went to hell. Then I could once again do as I pleased. I had planned on leaving Maxwell behind while
on my side trip. Hopefully, he would
cooperate. I doubted it. I called room service for some tea, coffee, and
food that I had no intention of eating.
Not before a mission. Then I woke
Maxwell. He emerged from under the
covers like some angry beast, moaning and snarling and making other strange
noises, heading with a stagger to the bathroom.
Listening to the sound of running water, I sat on the bed honing my katana. I would need it by the end. When Maxwell exited, he looked human, but his
eyes were still that of a beast. I
sighed. Some people never changed. I remembered safe houses during the war when
he woke up at noon and was still like this.
After a cup of coffee and half a chocolate donut, he was almost
human. Another cup and two and a half
donuts later, and he was his normal, hyperactive, chatterbox self. Oh boy. And, yes, the tea was horrible, but I drank it
anyway. Unfortunately, Maxwell noticed my lack of
interest in food and of course he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “You’re not gonna eat anything?” Something that was so obvious didn’t deserve an
answer, so I remained quiet, sipping my sewer-water tea. “Come on, ‘Fei, you gotta eat something. How are you gonna keep up with me when you
have no energy to burn?” Shooting him a scathing glance, I said, “I’m sure
I’ll manage somehow, Maxwell.” I’m still alive, after all. He switched subjects quickly enough. I was just glad that he’d dropped it instead
of beating it to death. “So what have
you been up to lately?” “Nothing.” “Nothing? How can you do nothing all
day?” If he wanted to know what I did, I’d sure as hell
tell him! “Paperwork,
missions, training.” Grinning, he said wryly, “You sure haven’t
changed.” But I had changed. A great deal. It’s just that no one knew me well enough to
notice. I worked hard to keep it that
way. They were better off. Why bring everyone else down with me? Just as I was taking a sip of tea, he said, “Date
anyone recently?” I almost choked, carefully swallowing instead and
restraining myself from an intense urge to throw my tea cup at him. “I’m not going to discuss my personal life
with you while we’re on a mission.” My nonexistent personal life, that is. “But we’re not technically on the actual
‘mission’ part yet,” he whined. I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. “Close enough.” I stood, putting our dirty dishes back on the
trolley. “It’s time to get ready, anyway.” I strapped on my equipment, never removing my
gloves. Sword sheath on my back, gun at
my hip, various daggers slipped into hiding places. Maxwell was watching me curiously. Should have done this in the bathroom. But I just didn’t want to face that tiny
room. No windows. No space.
No air. I shut down those thoughts fast. They just kept popping up, usually at the
most inconvenient times. No matter. I began the process of shutting down
everything in my mind that wasn’t necessary for the mission. To Maxwell, it probably looked like I was
just meditating. How surprised would he
be to know that I hadn’t been able to truly clear my mind in months? My eyes opened.
Time to perform my duty. “Let’s go.” * |